A Time to Screw
A Time to Screw (I love how R1 Hentai feels the need to be retitled to make it obvious that it’s porn) has the prestigious honor of being the first anime I have seen dubbed before I have seen it with the original audio. At least I think it does. (If I had previously seen A Time to Screw, I really don’t remember it. And this is the kind of shit I would remember. Then again I forgot about the Predator in Mad Bull 34 until I recently watched it again.) This is one of the most confusing things I have seen in my life. Granted the dubbing may have something to do with that since it appears to be heavily rewritten. I only compared one scene between the two tracks, and the dub has nothing to do with what is actually being said in the Japanese version. (Also the dub forgets to dub some flaps.) How confusing is this dub? Garzey’s Wing has better story composition than it. That’s how confusing this dub is! Not only does it decide to completely omit any semblance of a story, but it also only tells us two characters’ names. (Our cast consists of seven characters.) Now I can’t blame the dub exclusively for the confusion. The animation itself seems to spaz out and randomly fuck up on the colors. (One character actually switches who the hell they are in the middle of several scenes. And I’m not talking split personalities or anything like that. One moment they’re the green-haired girl, the next they’re the brown-haired maid who normally wears glasses. It’s really damn confusing!) Watching this OVA dubbed is like watching an aggregation of toddlers trying to perform heart surgery on a beached sperm whale. You have no idea what the fuck is going on, but it doesn’t matter because it’s awesome.
Our dub starts off with our poorly animated babes bathing together. Feeling the need to not even try to bullshit us, the dub instantly informs us that it is a complete joke by having the four women engage in a nonsensical conversation about Einstein and Oppenheimer with a litany of high-class writing such as, “Why not a shit sandwich instead of a stake? You can’t be for real! Einstien was the man and Oppenheimer was just a third-rate lab technician bitch!” “Here’s my impression of Oppenheimer, ‘Uh, hi, I’m a fucking idiot,’” “Enough already! Can’t you just let me shave my pussy pubes in peace?” “She’s right. All Oppenheimer did was build a big bomb that killed a lot of Japanese,” (I like this line. Not only is it a Japanese character saying it, but she also seems to have forgotten Einstein’s involvement in the Manhattan Project.) and best of all, “Einstein was a faggot!”
After that wonderful and informative exchange we are introduced to our main character. The dub never bothers to tell me his name, but since he’s awesome, has kind of a cool voice, and is a massive rapist, I shall dub him ‘Awesome McMaincharacter’. (The dub actually gives “him” a name, but since the main character has an identical brother and another clone who are unnamed, and they all share the same voice actor, I have no idea who the fuck Itsuya actually is.) He knocks out his identical twin and starts up some super computer that “unfreezes time” somehow. During this sequence we learn of his plans for the females. He plans to, “Fuck them out of the Stone Age.” Also he informs us of how excited the situation has made him with a standard maniacal speech – “I’m in complete control. I’m like a god overlooking his puny subjects. It gets me hard. The power. My cock feels like it’s ten stories high. I’ll never let things go back to the way they were. I’ve unfrozen time. I am a god.”
Immediately afterwords it cuts to a clock chiming. I can only assume that this is a bad thing because on of the girls from the previous scene responds by saying, “Fuck. Shit.” We transition to the worst CGI I have seen outside of a GONZO production, for our title card. (That’s a lie. Golgo 13: The Professional still has that honor.) Back in the mansion the sound of the clock has influenced the women into a horny frenzy. Masturbation and fucking follows.
We start with the glasses girl (who takes off her glasses and lets her hair down – which makes her look exactly like another character…I’ll get to that later) and Mistress Aoi (an elderly woman in a wheel chair) who begin masturbating. Following that we get a scene of Kasumi (the girl on the box cover) wondering who Oppenheimer was. In this scene we get a flashback (I think) of Awesome McMaincharacter’s brother giving Kasumi a bell and telling her, “Wearing this bell will signify that I own you. Forever.”
Mistress Aoi and Glasses Girl (who has magically transformed into the girl with green hair) descend into a basement (I think) to confront Awesome McMaincharacter. Mistress Aoi masturbates in front of him in her wheel chair before falling to the ground and begging for his cock. While on the floor he tells her, “You’re like a slug the way you slither around. But it turns that slut Kasumi on.”
We then see the green-haired girl (who he’s referring to as Kasumi despite that being a completely different girl) in the elevator masturbating. And just to nail home how off the animation is; when we see her pubic hair it’s brown like Glasses Girl’s should be, but then as the shot pans up she magically transforms into the green-haired girl. Green Kasumi lets us know just how much she likes said act, “I could finger myself all day, every day, three hundred sixty-five days a year.”
Awesome McMaincharacter demonstrates how much he doesn’t give a shit by kicking Mistress Aoi in the face as she pleads for him to allow her to perform fellatio. Deciding that lingering on one scene and actually establishing it, is what coherent works of fiction do, we then shift to a scene of Kasumi talking to the brother (who was knocked out and tied up by Awesome McMaincharacter). After the brother explains how thirteen is a shitty number, Kasumi asks the dumbest fucking question, “But is there a thirteen o’clock?” (This would be slightly less retarded if Japan didn’t use a twenty-four hour clock.)
The brother responds with, “It’s military time.”
Kasumi replies with, “Military time? What’s that?”
After that riveting bit of dialogue, Kasumi heads up to Master Itsuya’s room and knocks on the door. (I have no idea who Itsuya is, he’s voiced by the same guy as the main character, but so are two other characters.) After he rejects her services, Kasumi feels the need to remind us just how mentally handicapped she is by calling Itsuya (a man) a lesbian. Green Kasumi (the actual one, not the magical shape-shifter) in the meantime has been busy entertaining herself with billiard balls. After getting far too excited about shoving a cue ball into her anus, she informs us of her desire to see George Hegerman do the same, “I’d like to see Minnesota Fats do that.”
After a horribly animated shot of her shoving three more balls into her vagina and spewing out a horrible pun, Awesome McMaincharacter shows up to produce another pun and shoot the cue ball further into the woman’s rectum. (He even uses a cue stick to do it.) Back in the substructure of fun, Glasses Girl (who didn’t have glasses last time we saw her) is surprised by the random three dildos that have occupied her minge. Mistress Aoi is on the ground fornication with herself. She feels the need to tell Glasses Girl about her wonderful dildo philosophy, “Why scream? Dildos are good. If it wasn’t for dildos, there’d be a lot of lonely pussies on this planet. I remember when I was your age, got my first dildo. It was white.”
Glasses Girl retorts with a rational response, “Oh there is no God, we’re alone in the universe. Hedonism is all that’s left for any of us. S&M! I want to be tied up and abused, and beaten, and generally treated like a worthless peice of shit. I want to be treated like a dog and smacked with a newspaper when I go poo-poo on the carpet.” (Even for porn dialogue that is bad.)
Mistress Aoi attempts to placate the girl, “Well if that’s what you really want, I’ll oblige you. It’s not going to be easy for me though. I haven’t been out of this wheelchair in ten years.” (The wheelchair disappeared like five minutes ago. I would also like to point out that this is fourteen minutes into the episode already. Most porn OVAs already would have given us all the characters’ names and established what the hell is going on in the context of the fucking.)
Glasses Girl begs, “Just shut up and abuse me already.”
Gaining the ability to walk miraculously, Mistress Aoi responds accordingly, “Holy shit, I can walk. This is friggin’ unbelievable.”
Back in the control room (I think that’s what it is) Awesome McMaincharacter chimes in with his thoughtful inquiry, “Can you imagine how many faith healers would be out of business if more people knew about the curative powers of kinky sex?”
His brother has become tied up again after his time wandering around talking to Kasumi, and is now naked. Watching the lesbian sex on the monitor sends him into a frenzy where he begs to be untied so that he may masturbate. His genitalia does the “Cha-Cha” which apparently prompts Kasumi to vomit in the other room. After she tries to clean it up by scooping up with her arms. (Like you would if you were attempting to hold a plethora of solid objects.) We transition to the girl who wanted to fuck Einstein trying to get her tampon in. Awesome McMaincharacter starts fondling her. She replies to the fondling with, “That’s good, you have one of the better titty rubbing techniques.”
Being the awesome pimp that he is, he shoots her down, “I’m aware that I have a superb titty rubbing technique. But unfortunately, your titties don’t rate.”
Not one for rejection Einstein Girl retorts, “Thanks alot! You don’t mince words do you? But as my aunt Harahu used to say, ‘More than a mouthful is a waste anyway.’”
Unamused by her cheery response, he backhands her with his fist. Shooting back, “I don’t find you even in the slightest bit amusing. You should be ashamed of those pathetic puppies.”
“I am, I am,” Einstein girl cries back at her abuser.
Awesome McMaincharacter then validly inquires, “Then you shouldn’t be making stupid jokes. I take ta-tas very seriously. How am I supposed to execute a titty rub with no decent titties?”
The God-card gets pulled, “I hear what you’re saying. But is it my fault if God made me this way?”
However, Awesome McMaincharacter isn’t one to take shit, “Shut your hole. I hate excuses. With an attitude like yours the world would be filled with flat-chested bimbos and plastic surgeons starving on street corners. Can you imagine a world like that? Can you?” (I can. It’s not a pretty sight, I can tell you that.)
The two bicker back and forth before Einstein Girl resorts to masturbating while Awesome informs her that she’s failing to arouse him. She tells him to give her a toy which prompts him to ask the best question of all time: “Have you ever tried to fuck a box?” Inspired by his inquiry the girl does just that, and begins humping the sturdiest cardboard box of all time. Eventually the box remembers that it’s made of cardboard and reacts accordingly to a woman shoving herself on top of it. After it collapses Awesome McMaincharacter decides that there hasn’t been enough what-the-fuckery in this OVA and pulls out the vacuum. What follows is hilarious.
He shoves the vacuum up her ass, to which she responds, “It feels like there’s a vacuum in my asshole sucking up my insides.” (That’s not what it feels like. That is what’s actually happening.) Not content with vacuum rape, he then begins shoving the girl back and forth across the room as if he’s attempting to vacuum the floor with her body. Since that’s not crazy enough, he then shoves his fist into her vagina and lifts her fully into the air, supported by nothing but his arm, then begins moving his hand up and down while the girl somehow remains stationary via porn levitation. (This is still nowhere near the most confusing act of sex in hentai.) Afterwards Kasumi shows up to see the befuddling sex. A random clone of Awesome McMaincharacter rapes her.
Episode two is where things get even more confusing. Not only do we have Glasses Girl randomly turning into another character, but the rest of the colors change on a whim. The episode begins with Kasumi and Awesome McMaincharacter (or his brother…or the clone) at a traditional festival. Kasumi complains, “This party sucks. Bunch of stupid fuckers.”
Awesome McPossiblybrother asks, “You’re bored huh? This is such a fucking hick town. Maybe one day we’ll make it to Toyko. Are you pregnant?”
Following the random turn in the conversation, Kasumi replies, “I don’t think so. Why, do I look fat to you? If you want me to, I can lose weight. I’ll even start a diet tonight.”
Determined to keep the conversation as random and pointless as possible the protagonist continues, “Don’t worry. Have a yogurt milkshake.” (This “milkshake” changes colors in this scene two times. First it’s blue, then it’s pink, then it’s blue again.) After Kasumi asks if it is non-fat yogurt, Awesome continues with, “Nothing’s non-fat. That’s why the world is going to explode one day.”
Properly confused, Kasumi questions, “Non-fat? Exploding world? What the fuck!? Is he crazy?” (I think the crazy was established in the vacuum cleaner scene.)
In the mansion everything has returned to normal. Everyone composes themselves after the previous night of debauchery and sin, then promptly begin screwing themselves again ten seconds later. After masturbating and leaking motor oil (because apparently not even bodily fluids have consistent colors in this) Glasses Girl transforms into Green Kasumi and descends with Mistress Aoi (who forgot her ability to walk) to confront Awesome McMaincharacter. He greets the two of them with an inquiry, “What do you two douchebags want?”
Aoi is offended, “Douchebags!? Douchebags!?”
Awesome, realizing that she’s a granny in a wheelchair and he could totally take her in a fight challenges her, “Yeah. Douchebags! If you’ve got a problem with that wheel your scrawny ass over here and do something about it.”
Bondage rape follows. After sealing Glasses Girl in some weird electric purple plastic bag (it’s just a plastic bag but when ever there is a far shot of it, it has a purple outline for no reason) he informs Aoi of his vocal talents, “I can do an angry sea-lion in heat…but I’m not going to waste my talents on you.”
Above them Kasumi and the brother character are suspended from the ceiling and leaking more black bodily fluids. (The brother’s head wrappings are also neon pink and purple for no reason.) Awesome begins electrocuting Mistress Aoi who pulls an iron-grandmother, “I can take it. I’m strong! Look at me, I’m shaking like a jellyfish! And I suppose it makes you feel like a big man to dominate me and humiliate me! To torture and abuse me! To torment and molest me!”
Awesome is unmoved, “Are you going to make a point here?”
Aoi goes into shoehorned morality territory, “It just exposes you for the pathetic person you are. I know when you see someone like me coming down the street you think, ‘At least I’m not her,’ and so what!? Look at all the pain and suffering you’ve caused! And what has it gotten you!? Do you even have season tickets for the Yomiuri Giants!? I hope I’m not wasting my breath telling you all this. You listening? I could say it all over again if you want.”
Awesome continues the exchange, “No that won’t be necessary. I get your point, especially the part about the season tickets for the Yomiuri Giants, but it changes nothing. Even if my cruelty and sadism leave me hollow and self-loathing, so what!? I like who I am!”
Angered by his defiance Aoi comes up with one of the most confusing list of insults ever conceived, “You’re a fucking caca-horse (that’s what it sounds like, I think she was going for ‘cockatrice’) with two heads. You’re a festering boil on a wild boars ass. You’re a pizza delivery man with no car!”
We get more rape. Kasumi and Awesome’s brother get untied and start having sex. In the kitchen Green Kasumi and Einstein girl start fucking all the various food before engaging in sex with the unexplained clone. (This scene is really weird, I don’t know if he dies while fucking them, but they cover him from head to toe in a disgusting mess of condiments and toppings then screw him while talking about incest.) Green Kasumi spouts off profound wisdom, “The family that fucks together, sucks together.”
Back in the torture room, Glasses Girl gets free and starts randomly looking like Mari from Rebuild. She ties up Awesome and begins raping him to death. Kasumi dies from having sex with the brother but is saved after he sucks some semen out of her mouth. (It’s white and looks like cum, it might be her soul, I don’t know.) Afterwards we get an epilogue with Awesome narrating about the universe. Kasumi and the brother head off into the snowy woods where the brother apparently dies. The narration randomly stops to give us our history lesson on German dictators for the OVA, “Did you know Adolf Hitler was a champion caliber tiddlywinks player?” Then, taking the words directly out of my mouth he asks, “Why should I care!?”
The OVA ends with the narration finishing, “And then there was the matter of time. Einstein and Oppenhiemer, the theory of relativity, and the conundrum of big balls in your face. It was all a continum, like one long winding turd snaking its way through the universe. And like a turd, the smell was not to be forgotten.”
Final thoughts? A Time to Screw is a confusing mess. Partly because the dub is retarded and makes absolutely no fucking sense, and partly because what little I watched of the original was equally bewildering. But you know what? The dub is actually the only good thing in this horrible piece of shit. The animation is horrendous, the art style is all over the place (especially in the second episode), the story is a mess in either language, the characters are all horrible (yes, I know complaining about bad characters in porn is like complaining that porn has sex in it), and worst of all – the actual porn isn’t that appealing. (It’s too weird for normal people and not extreme enough for someone like me.) If you want a vapid and extremely immature dub, then A Time to Screw is a great choice. For actual porn? I’ll be sticking with Moonlight Lady for my confusing porn that features maids and frozen time.
Final Score: S+ (Because shitty jokes and swearing make me laugh.)